All her perfect imperfections
by naomilovesgrey's
Summary: Aftermath of Jackson's confession on April's wedding. April chooses Matthew, leaving a miserable Jackson to deal with the repercussions of his actions all by himself. However, what happens if April shows up on his frontdoor on her wedding night? First fanfic, rated T for possible later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

**hi guys! This is my very first fanfic! I hope you will enjoy it as much as I can enjoy the work of you guys! I am Dutch, so not a native. I apologize in advance for any language error! This might be turned into a multi-chapter story, so let me know what you think :)**

There she was. Right in front of him. In her eyes nothing but chaos, panic. He could also sense a hint of relief in her eyes, but he was not sure. He on his place, had a completely worn out look on his face. Regret was all that Jackson could feel, all that occupied him. The feeling of regret and shame almost ate him alive. The last few hours had been terrible. She had chosen him, Matthew. And he could have known. He should have known she was going to pick him. He did not blame her; it was his own damn fault that his timing was so off. He had been too late. The realization of his love for her hit him right before he was about to lose forever to him. It wasn't like he had denied it - his feelings for her. It was just that he did not realize it was love that he was feeling until he felt this suffocating panic almost grabbing him by the throat as soon as he saw her awaiting beautiful face turned to the audience of her wedding, anticipating everyone's approval. He just could not do it. As much as he wanted to, he could not let her give her the rest of her life to another man. It hit him like nothing else ever had, this urge to stop time, stop everything in order for her to finally know how he had felt for her all along. And now… Now she is someone else's and he is that guy that interrupted the wedding of his best friend. Or whatever they were. It was like Jackson was stuck. He could not also lose her as his friend, he needed her in his life, but Jackson also realized their friendship was now officially over. It would never be normal between them again. He had ruined it.  
>Right after his confession, she had asked him – no, ordered him – to leave. The surprised look on her face turning into a furious one. "No. No, Jackson. Now you're telling me this? Get out! Get out!" she had yelled at him, pointing at the exit. Her eyes were fixated on the ceiling, unable to look into his green eyes any longer. He had followed her orders without any other word slipping from his mouth. He did not trust his mind, his common sense any longer. "Dammit Sloan," was what he whispered to himself as soon as he had left the building after walking down the aisle the opposite direction that April had a few minutes before. As soon as the fresh air hit his face, Jackson's mind was haunted by all the possible repercussions of his actions. It was at that moment that the ever-expanding feeling of regret and shame occupied his mind, his body, his everything. He had lost April. For good now. It wasn't too much longer when his sight started to get blurry and Jackson realized it were tears that were stinging in his eyes. Actual tears. However, he did not allow himself to let them leak out of his eyes just yet. Or ever. He did not deserve to cry over this. His loss was completely and totally attributable to himself. There was really no one else to blame. She had given him a chance before during the storm, a chance for them to turn their lives upside down and do the unexpected. To be together. But he had refused to believe her words, thinking that they were not real. April did not really love him, Jackson was convinced she didn't, as she had proven him that time and again by hurting him to such a deep extent, a place in his heart no one ever managed to come before. It was a desperate expression of self-protection as he referred to their relationship as something meaningless, 'a bang in a bathroom' as he had called it a few days after her confession. He was very well aware of the fact that his words would hurt her in such a way, that she would never think of him as more than a friend. If Jackson could make a one-way trip to the past, this moment would be the destination he would choose to go to. Then he wouldn't have had to interrupt her perfect wedding with her perfect guy. It was selfish, really – Jackson thought – to not want her to marry Matthew, a guy of which Jackson knew would be great for her. Maybe even better of a husband than Jackson could ever be. But it was a short flash of hope that shot through Jackson's mind as soon as he decided to stand up and say it. It was the hope that she still loved him in a way that she would never be able to love Matthew that drove him to this selfish action.<br>But now, a few hours later, she was standing in front of his door. Her hair soaking wet, sticking to her rose colored cheeks. Traces of mascara marked her face and Jackson was not sure if she had been crying or if it was due to the rain. Her chest rising and falling rapidly, making Jackson guess that she had been running. All he could do was stare at the woman in front of him. It was the name of this woman that, whenever it passed Jackson's mind in the last few hours (which happened an awful lot), would cut right through his soul ever so painfully. He did not know what to feel, how to feel. The image in front of him created some kind of vacuum in his head. Everything just shut down. All he could do was stare, not being able to comprehend that she was actually physically there.  
>"Jackson…" she breathed. Her voice was filled with worry, and he could feel her eyes starting to rake over his face. His broken, tired face. She reached her hand to palm the sacks underneath his eyes, but stopped halfway through, her hand floating in the dense air between them. Jackson struggled to think of something to say, but he simply couldn't.<br>"I know this isn't the way it is supposed to be. Life, I mean. It is not supposed to be so complicated to decide, to know who you love. I was always told as a kid that you would know it when someone is the one. That it would be the one thing in life you would be most certain of. But I had to decide who to love at the moment you asked me whether I loved you or not. I could not do that, because… I chose to love Matthew a long time ago. But the thing is, you don't get to choose who you love. It doesn't work that way. As much as I wanted to love Matthew, I couldn't, I can't," she rambled. It was as if she wanted these words to leave her mouth as quickly as possible. Her voice was trembling, nevertheless, she sounded very convincing. Jackson tried to process her words, but he did not get the chance to do that properly as April continued a few moments later: 'Us. We. We are not supposed to be together, Jackson. We are too different. We hurt each other. We make bad decisions because of each other," she sighed. Jackson did not need to hear this, and for a moment he was considering to shut the door behind him, but his body was paralyzed by her words, her presence. He was not able to control his body, nor his mind, so he had no choice but to listen to what she was saying. "There is a very clear reason for that, and we have been denying that since forever. We've been denying that because we know how different we are and how a relationship between the two of us would just… It would just make no sense, but…" April took a step forward. Her warm breath hit the skin of Jackson's neck, causing him to shiver. He could feel a sense of longing taking him over instantly – however, his sense of rationality made him want to take a step back. April reached out to touch his cheek again. Right before her small hand was about to touch his rough, stubbly skin, it halted. April searched for any sign of approval in his eyes, and as soon as Jackson closed his eyelids, he felt the warmth of her soft skin caressing his cheek. He could not help but lean into her touch, wanting her affection to fill up this vacuum in his soul.  
>"I do Jackson. I do love you. And I hate it, because it doesn't seem to go away, but I love you," April whispered, the confident tone in her voice of before suddenly disappearing. Her words sounded so extremely unreal to Jackson, heavenly. He had to open his eyes again to assure that she was indeed there, confessing her love to him. He needed to know that he wasn't just dreaming. As he opened his eyes, he was immediately confronted with the penetrating, desperate look in her hazel brown eyes. She was speaking the truth. He was absolutely sure she was. Jackson could not help but let his eyes flicker to her plump lips. All he wanted - all he needed was to taste those sweet lips again. Maybe then he would trust his senses again, maybe then Jackson would realize this was actually happening. Her whispering "it's okay, Jackson" was all he needed to let his lips collapse on hers.<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**Hey guys! Thank you so much for your sweet reviews! It really motivates me to continue writing. And yes, the title of this story is based on John Legend's song 'All of me', since a part of the lyrics really reminds me of Jackson's words in 10x12: 'Even the things I don't like, I love'. Personally, it was that part of his little speech that made me melt.  
>Disclaimer: I do not own any of the storylines created by the queen of Grey's land: Shonda Rhimes.<strong>

Their kiss quickly turned into a messy, chaotic, sloppy one. It was as if both of the surgeons wanted to make up for lost time. Jackson felt an almost animalistic feeling of possessiveness taking him over, holding April even tighter against his body, his fingers digging into her side, making sure she would not just fall from his embrace. It was when April released his lips to start planting sloppy kisses along his jawline that Jackson was brought back to reality. It was her wedding night. Her wedding night that she was supposed to share with her perfect Christian paramedic. Now was her wedding night, and she was leaving mesmerizing kisses and occasional bites on the skin of his neck. It took all of Jackson's willpower to grab April softly by her arms and guide her back a little, creating enough space between them in order for him to think clearly. She had a quizzical expression in her eyes, her features displaying confusion and disappointment. Her hair nothing but a total mess.  
>"You're married," Jackson stated softly, almost in an identical way as he did during the night of the storm. Only back then, he was stating the obvious. But now, Jackson was not sure. Did she get married after he left the ceremony? The thought of the possibility that she never actually said 'yes' to the paramedic had never crossed Jackson's mind. He was trying to make sense of the situation. April was with him now, not with Matthew. But what did that actually mean? She had just confessed her feelings to him, but what did that imply? The past had proven that April was far from predictable. After confessing her feelings to another man, it was the same April that nevertheless decided to stay true to her engagement to Matthew. Why would she not stay true to Matthew now? Jackson could literally feel his stomach constrict of the idea that this was April's way of saying goodbye to him for good. It would explain the hastiness of their kiss.<br>April could read Jackson's face like no other person on this planet could. She was almost able to read his mind through the deep frown that tainted Jackson's features. She could sense that his green eyes were no longer actively looking at her. They were zoned out, meaning that he was internally struggling with himself. It was then that April realized what Jackson must be feeling right now: fear, confusion. Perhaps he was beating himself up over not asking her whether or not her last name was Taylor now sooner. April could no longer witness him being scared of falling into the miserable, wretched state he was in before she was standing in front of his door. Her hands flew to both sides of his face, her eyes almost demanding his to flash back to the present, to really look at her. She narrowed the space between them again as she took a firm step forward, not wanting him to doubt her certainty about this, or worse, to doubt the truth behind her following words:  
>"I am with you. I am not going to leave you, Jackson. I did not get married to Matthew. It never happened, trust me. I never said yes. I couldn't." The frown on Jackson's face softened, but April could still clearly see worry haunting his eyes. April knew that he wanted more than words to believe her. She removed her right hand from his cheek and turned the bare back of her hand in front of his face.<br>"You see?" she whispered, wiggling her fingers as he examined the bareness, the ring-freeness of her hand. Jackson reached to hold that same hand. His other free hand grabbed April's left one. They both looked down to the joined hands between them, as if it was a fragile piece of art, as if it could almost not be true. They stayed in a confortable silence for a few minutes until Jackson spoke up.  
>"So what does this mean?" he asked, his eyes still fixated on their joined hands. April could feel his grip loosening, and she squeezed his hands in reassurance.<br>"It means that I am yours if you want me to," April answered, her eyes leaving the sight of their joined hands to look at Jackson's face, hoping to meet his green eyes again. She wanted those words to leave her mouth as convincing as possible, but instead, she could not help but let this nagging feeling of uncertainty make her voice tremble. Jackson's tilted his head up, his eyes immediately meeting April's. The frown on his face had disappeared. Now it was his turn to convince her. He needed to convince her that he wanted her. He needed to convince her that he needed her. The only way he knew he could was by kissing her once again, but this time nothing but simple love and affection dominating it.  
>"Of course, that's all I ever wanted," Jackson breathed after he released her lips. He rested his forehead against hers, his thumb grazing her soft chin. They both savored this moment, a moment in which nothing but pure relief and happiness ran through their bodies. They had each other now. They were complete.<br>"Jackson…" April breathed, her voice barely above a whisper. This time her voice was filled with want and desire and Jackson instantly knew what he needed to do. He picked her up effortlessly, her legs locking themselves around his body, her arms embracing his neck, their eyes never leaving each other as he carried her wordlessly to his bedroom. They would live in their own perfect world for a few more hours before allowing themselves to worry about the real world and all its challenges that they would have to face when the light of the morning sun would announce a new day again. A real world in which their union would probably not be celebrated by most people. But right now that did not matter.

**Thanks for reading guys! I'll update soon :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**Hey Guys! Thanks for the reviews! This is kind of a filler chapter, but there is more to come! Please let me know what you think :) I apologize once again in advance for any errors as English is not my native language. Oh and ofcourse a disclaimer: i do not own any of the characters or storylines of Grey's anatomy. **

Jackson watched her with full adoration as she inhaled deep breaths. Her sleeping figure displaying nothing but tranquility, peace. The dark curtains of his room did not allow much of the sun's early rays to illuminate his room, however, it was just enough for him to study her features closely. He loved every single thing about her. Her lips, her hair, the small freckles that covered her nose: Jackson concluded that she was the closest thing to perfection he knew and he felt a sense of pride wash over him as he realized that this amazing woman was lying in _his_ arms. Very softly and very carefully he started to trace random patterns on the white skin of her arm. He was afraid to wake her up, to pull her out of this peaceful dream world she was in now. Jackson pushed away his anxious feelings about how he would have to face his colleagues in just a few hours after everything that happened the day before: a day that was supposed to be a perfect day, a day that was meant to symbolize the love between April and Matthew from that day onwards. Instead, Jackson had turned it into an irreparable mess. He noticed that he did not feel sorry anymore - as much as he thought feeling apologetic seemed to fit the situation- he just could not feel any regrets for making a mess of yesterday anymore. Jackson felt slightly bad about this, but he did also credit himself for the fact that April's warm body was sleeping serenely in his arms. It seemed as if she had washed away any regret that had been eating him alive as soon as she showed up in his front door. He was extremely sure that she was right for him. He did not need anyone to prove that to him. However, that he was right for her was something he needed to prove to the rest of the world. To the rest of _her _world, including her parents – which, Jackson thought, might be a mission impossible.

Jackson could feel April's body starting to stir and a few seconds later, her hazel brown irises met his ocean green ones. April's lips curled up into a small smile. "Hi," she greeted him, her voice a typical morning voice: low and rough. "Hi," Jackson replied, a very evident smile on his face. April reached out to touch Jackson's face.

"Is this real?" she questioned, barely above a whisper, her thumb brushing over his beard. Jackson inhaled deeply.

"It is." April's happiness did not last long, a deep frown starting to form on her face ad the smile on her lips slowly faded away. Jackson could sense that she was scared as hell. Scared for all that was to come. He squeezed his eyes shut, not able to witness the misery on her face any longer, knowing that her distress was completely attributable to him.

"Stephanie," April breathed. It is then that Jackson's eyes shot open again. He had forgotten about her. Completely. Her name had not crossed his mind once since he had left the barn. Not _once. _Stephanie. The girl that was technically still his girlfriend, Stephanie. How the hell could he forget her? Jackson hung his head as he felt another rush of guilt cut through his bones. _You are a terrible person, Jackson Avery_ was the thought that went through his mind. All that had occupied him were the thoughts of April, of the damage he had caused her. Not once did it cross his mind that he had left a broken-hearted girl there in the barn after she had come to know that he had feelings for another woman in the least classy way. Stephanie, a girl he never even ever deserved. And if Jackson had to be completely honest with himself, he knew that she was falling for him right from the start of their relationship. And he knew he would never feel the same way for her in return. As painful and cruel as it may sound; she was nothing more than a mere distraction to him, a way for him to deal with this empty space in his heart that always had April's name on it. Stephanie had been a way for him to convince himself and others that he _could_ move on from the redhead. But mostly, to convince the redhead herself that she had not left him heartbroken as she did, that he was indifferent about her moving on as well. All of this was just one extreme form of denial; a denial that – as the process of refuting continued - Jackson had started to conceive as the truth. He started to believe the lie he was living in. He started to genuinely believe that he was over her until the reality hit him right in the face yesterday as the woman he loved, dressed in white, was about to commit herself to someone else.

"She deserved better," Jackson stated, his voice hoarse because of the sudden dryness of his throat.

"He deserved better," April mirrored Jackson's words, not permitting herself to think any longer about the miserable state that Matthew must be in since she left him at the altar, knowing that she might break down if she did. Jackson noticed April's gaze staring into the black mass of darkness in his room, and he figured that she was haunted by the same mortifying guilt as him.

"What did you mean by blessing?" Jackson asked, kind of out of the blue. Her eyes shot back at his.

"What?" she asked softly, clearly confused.

"Why did you want my blessing? I never quite understood why you said that." Jackson clarified.

"Because… because I wanted your blessing. I just… I wanted to be sure that you were okay with it. I wanted to be sure that… there was absolutely no chance of you and I together anymore. And the look on your face when you said I had it – your blessing… I was convinced. I was completely convinced that you and I were over for good," April explained, her voice low but firm, her hand travelling soothingly up and down Jackson's bare chest. Jackson pulled her closer and planted a soft kiss on top of her head.

"Let's go," Jackson proposed, as much as he never wanted to leave his bed. "We can do this," he affirmed. They needed to be at Seattle Grace in less than an hour. He felt April's head nod softly in agreement.

**Alright guys, just a few more days and we are finally over this stupid hiatus! Can't wait :o**


	4. Chapter 4

**OH. MY. GOD. FINALLY. Just… OH MY GOD. I am so extremely happy, honestly, Thursday's episode just made my week. So, I changed this chapter a little bit to try to stay as close to canon as possible. Here you go.**

"Jackson," April whispered while gazing at the road in front of them. Every minute, every second Jackson's car was getting closer to Seattle Grace Mercy West, and the realization of that made April want to just jump out of Jackson's SUV, right there and then, right in the middle of the highway. Jackson noticed April's pale complexion and the trembling hands that rested on her knees. Jackson grabbed April's left hand. It was extremely cold, he noticed, and he squeezed it lightly. He wanted to grab her face and tell her that everything was going to be okay, but he needed to keep his eyes fixed on the busy road before them.

"Can't we…" she continued, but her voice faltered as April realized that what she was about to say was completely ridiculous.

"What?" Jackson asked, tearing his gaze off of the road for a second just to look at the girl that was seated in his passenger seat. Suddenly, she seemed not as panicky anymore. Rather, her big eyes radiated relief, as she looked him shortly in the eye before Jackson had to focus on the road again.

"What?" Jackson asked again, curiosity now dripping from his voice.

"We could… I think we need a little more time Jackson," April stated vaguely.

"For what?" Jackson asked, not understanding where this was going.

"We need more time to be with each other without facing everyone that will hate us for being together," April explained. Jackson processed her words, but he still not quite understood what April exactly wanted to say.

"You mean… take a day off?" he questioned.

"No! I mean… what if we keep this a secret for just a little longer? We go to work, pretend that we're not together, just for a while until… until I think I am strong enough to deal with everything," April clarified. Of course she understood that this was no solution to the problem, but she needed more time to figure out how she would handle the repercussions of her leaving her fiancé at the altar in front of her colleagues, her friends, her family… "It will be good for us, Jackson," she added softly while placing her hand on top of his on the gear stick.

"Okay…" he agreed weakly. April heard the hesitation in his voice and sighed.

"This is not because I am not sure of my love for you Jackson, because I am. I am extremely sure of that. This is because I am not sure if I can handle the mess at work if we would out to our colleagues that we're together now. I mean, it will only make things more complicated for Matthew and Stephanie. It would be easier if we would just… not rub it in their faces, you know?" April's voice was hopeful, almost desperate, for Jackson to agree with her. It did make sense, to take it one step at a time. But Jackson just did not want to hide is love for April any longer. He had to do that for the last two years and now he just wanted to show everyone that he did love the neurotic redhead from the bottom of his heart… It just didn't feel right, but Jackson did understand that hiding their love for a little longer would be the best. Especially for her.

"You're right, we should keep it a secret for a little while longer," he finally agreed, watching April smile from his peripheral vision. He felt her lips on his cheek not much later, and all his doubts about this plan just faded away. She was the most important person in his life, and he wanted her to deal with this in a way that would not let her fall apart. If hiding their love was the solution – perhaps temporarily – then Jackson just had to go with it.

"Okay, so we should just pretend that we are awkwardly avoiding each other to make it credible," April said, only afterward realizing that this was not going to be as easy as it sounded.

"I think we'll get our fair share of awkwardness today, don't worry about that," Jackson said painfully. April chuckled in response.

"Yeah, this might be the most awkward day ever." She heard Jackson sigh deeply in response as his car suddenly halted.

"We're there," he stated.

* * *

><p>"Ah, look who's here. The wedding wrecker! You came!" Christina greeted Jackson gleefully as she bumped her elbow to his side. Jackson just rolled his eyes in response as he went through some of the patient files for post-op checkups while standing at the pit. He was in the hospital for no longer than ten minutes, and he already wanted this day to be over with as soon as possible.<p>

"Jackson, you're here," Meredith stated disbelievingly as she went to stand beside Christina. Her voice however, was not as gleeful as her best friend's was, rather Meredith sounded pitiful.

"Yes, I am here. How is that surprising? I have got patients that are my responsibility, of course I am here," Jackson slammed one of his patient's file against the counter as frustration took over.

"Take it easy, big boy," Christina said as she took a few steps away from the plastic surgeon. Meredith just laid a hand on top of Jackson's shoulder comfortingly.

"I think you are an ass for what you did, but I also think it was very brave. And coming here today was very brave as well. You know what happened after you left, right?" Meredith questioned, her voice in a whisper as she asked him that question.

"Yeah, I know," Jackson answered, his eyes fixed on the floor. He was already stuck on what to say next. But he had no choice than to lie. "But I haven't seen her since… since then," he continued, trying his hardest for those words to come across credulously. Meredith again looked at him with a pitiful expression in her eyes.

"She will come around," Meredith assured him before leaving the pit with Christina by her side. Jackson watched the two leave before taking a deep breath and refocusing on his work.

* * *

><p>Everywhere April went, she heard people starting to whisper and stare at her indiscreetly. She knew this was going to happen, still it felt terrible. So far, she hadn't seen Matthew nor Stephanie, so she comforted herself with the idea that things could've been worse. However, passing by Jackson was a reoccurring happening today and she felt as if she was being punished by karma for her own stupid idea to keep them a secret – which seemed the best idea earlier when she fabricated it on her way to the hospital. April was a very bad actor and an even worse liar, and she was surprised about how everyone has been buying their act so far. Jackson just kept his gaze off of her whenever they would walk past each other. April was impressed about his acting skills. April decided to hide in one of the laboratories after she was done with her rounds of post-op check-ups. She was praying to God for any trauma to come in so that she could hide in the OR instead.<p>

"April!" she heard a familiar voice exclaim.

"Hi, Arizona!" April greeted back. She had a lot to explain to the ped-surgeon that was, next to Jackson, the best friend she had in this hospital. Also, she probably had a lot to thank the blonde for as well, considering that she had to deal with the mess in the barn after April had left. Arizona took a seat next to her, her eyes almost not believing that the redhead was actually here.

"I expected you to… take a day off," Arizona began, still looking at April as if she was a fragile house of cards that could fall apart any moment.

"No, I just wanted to… I just needed to go to work," April explained.

"There's a lot of practical stuff that we need to talk about, but first: how are you feeling?"

"As if I am the gossip of the day," April tried to joke.

"Well, you kind of are," Arizona confirmed with a light chuckle.

"Hey, aren't you supposed to make me feel better?" April asked, bumping Arizona in the shoulder playfully.

"Alright! I just need to know: what happened after you left? I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to." April could clearly see the worry in Arizona's eyes, and then a wave of guilt hit April of the idea to lie to her friend. But she promised Jackson, and she should at least comply with her own idea.

"I… I went home. I just wanted to be alone," April replied, fixing her eyes back on the lens of the telescope while readjusting its definition. She just could not bring herself to look Arizona in the eye while lying about it.

"I understand," Arizona said while resting one hand on April's shoulder. "It must have been an incredibly though decision to leave, but if you did not love Matthew the way you believe you needed to, then you did the right thing April. It might not seem that way to you, but it was." April could feel her sight starting to get blurry because of the kind words of Arizona, and she could not just lie to her anymore. April tore her eyes away from the telescope and looked at her best female friend with moist eyes.

"I… I love him," April muttered, her voice trembling. Arizona immediately understood that it was Jackson that April was talking about. She engulfed the redhead in a tight hug.

"Then tell him," Arizona said simply as she let go of April. April took a deep, shaky breath before deciding to tell Arizona the truth. The whole truth.

"I went home, because I just did not think I deserved to be happy. I deserved to be alone and miserable and to regret what I did. But I just couldn't feel any regret of not marrying Matthew. All I could feel was regret of not telling Matthew sooner that I had feelings for another man. Because Jackson's words… they just went straight through every atom of my body and I just knew that no one would ever make me feel that way. And as soon as I realized that, I just wanted to be with him so badly. So I decided to go to his place… I decided I wanted to be with him," April explained. Arizona's face softened and a small, reassuring smile appeared on her face.

"We're together now, but we decided to keep it a secret… Because I thought it would be easier that way," April continued.

"And, is it?" Arizona asked.

"I don't know," April answered honestly.

**Soooo that was this chapter. Honestly, I am so extremely happy that we FINALLY got our Japril! That last scene was amazing! The first half of the episode I honestly feared that April walked out on Jackson and that they were actually avoiding each other, but then… I love this plot but I can imagine that it is extremely hard on the both of them. And poor Stephanie… **

**Leave a review if you can! I'll update asap. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey guys! Sorry for the late update, I had a pretty intense time at uni, but now I have a week off! The promo for Thursday's episode really inspired me to bring Catherine into the story. Here you go guys!**

Just one more hour. One more hour and Jackson's shift would be over and he would finally be able to escape this horrible atmosphere that had filled the hospital all day since his and April's arrival. Just one more day and Jackson could take April away from all the whispers and the stares he knew affected and haunted her way more than him. Just one more hour and he could take the red-headed love of his life home with him and comfort her and tell her he loved her for the umpteenth time until he was sure she was relaxed again.

"Dr. Avery," a low voice greeted him as Jackson just exited a supply closet.

"Dr. Webber, I –" Jackson wanted to greet the older surgeon back, but was interjected immediately. Webber placed his hands on Jackson's shoulders and squeezed them firmly, the look in his eyes alarming.

"Catherine is coming tomorrow. And she is going to kill me _and _you if she finds out about the wedding from someone else… You have to tell her Jackson, before tomorrow, or otherwise I have to do it," Webber explained quickly as he let go of Jackson. The alarming look in the older surgeon's eyes now made way for a more pleading look. Jackson started to panic. He had not yet figured out how to tell his mom about him and April, but he assumed to at least have more time to think about it. About all of it. He knew he couldn't tell his mom half of the truth; he would need to tell her all of it, which meant that he had to break his promise to April… How was he supposed to deal with all of the obstacles in their relationship if he could not even stay true to a promise he made to her not even 12 hours ago?

"Richard, please, I need more time… Can't you just… Can't we just hope that she doesn't hear anything from anyone tomorrow? I will tell her, I promise, but I need more time," Jackson answered, his voice filled with desperateness. Richard Webber sighed in response.

"Jackson, she _will_ find out about it. It is Catherine Avery we are talking about. She senses a rumor about her son from a mile away," the older surgeon whispered slowly, reluctance to reject Jackson's request dripping from his voice. As much as he wanted to give the younger and very distraught surgeon before him more time, he just couldn't. Jackson sighed in defeat, knowing that Richard was right. Of course his mom would find out. She always does.

"Just call her, I am sure she will understand," the ex-chief suggested, patting Jackson's shoulder in encouragement before turning on his heels and walking away. Jackson's eyes followed the older surgeon until he was out of sight. Jackson felt a very evident frown forming on his face (his _angry face_ as Stephanie had called it) as he thought about what was just advised to him. Jackson realized he had to tell his mom at one point, so he might as well just rip the band aid off to get it over with. He slid his hands in the pockets of his scrubs, looking for his phone. Jackson inwardly cursed as he remembered that he left his phone in the locker room. Jackson jogged towards the elevator, but was stopped abruptly when his right arm was grabbed by two strong hands that violently jerked him backwards. Jackson wanted to turn around to see what idiot was stalling him.

"What the-" Jackson blurted out, but before he could finish his rant, his right cheek was met with a hard fist. Jackson fell backwards against the wall next to the elevator as one of his hands flew protectively to the injured cheek. Jackson squeezed his eyes shut in pain as he felt a dizziness curse through his brains. As he opened his eyes again, Jackson was confronted with the man that had hit him. The same man grinned down at him victoriously as he approached Jackson slowly and impedingly. Jackson saw the man pulling his fist back again, positioning it to strike again. Jackson squeezed his eyes shut, expecting to receive another hit on his cheek, but a very familiar voice stopped this from happening.

"Matthew! Stop!" April shrieked as she grabbed her ex-fiancé's fist and pulled it backwards. Other people now also witnessed the scenery and rushed towards the injured Jackson and the enraged Matthew.

Matthew tried to escape the tiny surgeon's grip, but she was stronger than he expected.

"Let go of me!" he ordered her, looking her in the eye for the first time since she had left him at the altar. As soon as April saw the broken and lost look in his reddened and tired eyes, she could not but break herself, feeling guilt rush through her so violently, she was no longer able to hold the pediatric back. April stumbled back as she saw Matthew striding towards Jackson again, blinded by anger, sadness and jealousy. April felt tears making their way down her cheek as she realized that the enraged man before her, the man that was dominated by nothing but anger, was the product of her decision to be with Jackson. It was her fault he was like this. He wasn't used to be like this before. She made him this way. Before Matthew could hit his target once more, he was stopped by Alex and Shane. When April witnessed Matthew fighting their grip as if his life depended on it, it all became too much. She could not handle seeing this anymore. Before April could turn on her heels to run away from the heart-breaking scene, she heard her ex-fiancé's bellow resonate through the hallway. "I hate you April! You ruined my life! You ruined everything!" It was as if his words burned through her skin and pierced right through her heart. It made her feel sick. Sick of herself. "I know," April whispered in response before she sprinted to the nearest on-call room.

April had been staring at the top bunk for half an hour, but she couldn't stop Matthew's words from echoing through her thoughts. _You ruined everything_. She felt sadness overwhelm her entire body. What had she done? _I hate you April. _She never wanted to hurt Matthew, but she knew she would never love him the way she loves Jackson. But she loved him enough to be content with the idea of being his future wife, otherwise she wouldn't have been able to live in her imaginary world in which Jackson was just a mistake she made in the past and Matthew was the right thing to do for her future. A world in which her feelings for Jackson did not go beyond friendship and were purely platonic. April sincerely believed in this imaginary reality, otherwise she would never have said 'yes' to the extraordinary proposal of the clumsy pediatric. She never consciously meant to enter an engagement that was bound to fall apart, that was not like her. She would never consciously hurt someone. Would she? Did she actually know who she was? April started to doubt every single thing about herself. But worse: she started to doubt her decisions. Was being with Jackson the right decision? Was it ethically acceptable for them to be in a relationship? April felt completely lost.

"April?" a soft and very familiar voice pulled her out of her thoughts.

"Jackson," April replied, her voice trembling. She shot up immediately and approached the injured plastic surgeon. She examined his black eye closely before tracing the hemorrhage softly with her index finger. Jackson hissed at the contact.

"Does it hurt badly? Did you get checked by Shepherd?" April asked him worriedly while pulling Jackson towards one of the bunks to sit down with her. Jackson chuckled softly, admiring her concern.

"I am fine, really April. He only hit once," he explained, trying to assure the worried redhead in front of him he was fine. "And, let's be honest here, I kind of deserved it." April could not help but smile a little at his attempt to make her feel better. April grabbed Jackson's hands and rested their joint hands in her lap. As she looked down at them, she tried to express in words what she had been feeling the last thirty minutes, but Jackson grabbed her chin and forced her to look up at him before she had a chance to do so.

"Listen, I know… I know you feel responsible for what happened there. And I wish you didn't have to see it. Matthew screamed things to you he shouldn't have –"

"He was right, Jackson! He hates me! And rightfully so. He does have a reason to hate me!" April interjected, her voice high-pitched.

"He does not hate you, okay? And he doesn't have a reason to hate you, because you did the right thing, April. It would have been so much worse if you had married him against your instincts, against your feelings. Because than you would have realized at some point in your marriage that he is not the one for you," Jackson said, his voice as convincing as possible, his eyes piercing through hers. Jackson moved both his hands to the sides of her face, his thumb lightly grazing her wet cheeks. "Please, April. Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for loving me," Jackson pleaded. April felt tears welling up in her eyes once more before she crashed her lips on his. Now she remembered again. All these reasons why she chose Jackson became clear to April again and she wondered how she could ever have doubted them, even if it was just for a few minutes. As she let go of Jackson's lips, she rested her forehead against his.

"I will, Jackson, I will."

**Thanks for reading guys! Please leave a review if you have time :). **


	6. Chapter 6

**Hi everyone! Late update, I know, but I have been touring around the States lately and it has been amazing. Right now, I am in LA and it is extremely beautiful! Four days ago, I was in Seattle so that kind of reminded me I needed to get this story back on track. This chapter is short though. I promise the next one will be twice as long! **

April was standing in front of a big wooden closet in her bedroom, an open and empty suitcase right next to her waiting to be filled with her clothes. _It's really not that hard, _April thought, _just get some freaking clothes. _Why was this so difficult for her? Why couldn't she stop staring at the content of the closet right in front of her? It wasn't like she was trying to pick the perfect outfit for a fancy event or something. She just needed to move some of her clothes from the closet to the suitcase. April's eyes fell on the suitcase once again. _It's definitely big enough_, she confirmed in her thoughts. Slowly, her hand reached her favourite dress, her fingers grazing the soft, silky fabric. This was the dress she had worn the night of the plane crash. It was the dress that was meant to be worn for a happy occasion, just like April had tried to convince to Jackson. It was the dress in which he told her she looked nice.

"_I feel sick, by the way. Sick of leaving here. Of leaving you,"_

In that moment, in that very special moment - oblivious and unknowing of the fact that a horrific accident had happened to the rest of their colleagues and friends - April had felt Jackson's love for her for the first time. At least, for a second, because not too long afterwards she had convinced herself that he could never _ever_ feel that way for her.

"_I am going to try. I am going to try to be happy. I am happy tonight, Jackson, because it is a happy time and we should be celebrating. So could you please wipe that freakin' frown off your face and be happy with me?"_

_"You look really nice". _

Her life was moving so fast. Not too long ago April was supposed to be a married woman. A married woman to another man than the man she was planning on moving in with this evening. After today, after April had seen Matthew for the first time after she had left him at the alter, after she had promised Jackson to never feel sorry for loving him ever again, April decided she needed to be with Jackson as much as possible. She wanted to be with him as much as she could. They had already lost so much precious time by constantly circling around each other. April had also been confronted once more with what it had cost to choose Jackson and therefore she wanted to make her choice worthy of all the drama that she and Jackson had gone through already and still had to go through. However, as much as moving in with Jackson seemed to be the right decision to April not even two hours ago when she left the hospital, she was already starting to doubt it now. Were they moving too fast? Was the motivation behind it right? Wasn't April trying to convince the rest of the world that the damage she had caused was for a good reason by moving in with the man for whom she had sacrificed it all? Was this really what April wanted? April was pulled out of her thoughts very abruptly when she felt her phone vibrate in her jean pocket. It was a text of Jackson:

_Hey, can I pick you up already? _

April reread the text absentmindedly a several times before answering.

_Yeah, I just need a few more minutes and then I'm ready._

April was about to hit the 'send' button, but she couldn't. No, she wasn't ready. She still needed to figure out whether this somewhat hasty decision would benefit their relationship or do it more harm than good. Were they ready for this? Their relationship was barely out in the open. April had to admit that she felt extremely relieved that everyone of Grey Sloan now knows about her and Jackson. And if the last couple of days had shown her anything, it was that her love for Jackson was real. Very real. So real that it scared her. She would never ever love a man like she loved him. She could not afford to mess this up, this fragile thing between her and Jackson, because Jackson was her one and only chance of sharing her life with her true love. _You love him, he loves you, that's all the information you need, right? _April thought. A sigh escaped her lips. Of course she wanted to be with him. They needed to be a team in order to be able to deal with all the upcoming distress that their decision to be together will cause. She needed him. She really needed _all _of him because all of her loved him. Every fibre in her being loved the green-eyed plastic surgeon. There was no denying that. With that thought in mind, April finally hit the 'send' button. She grabbed several piles of her clothes without really looking and put them nonchalantly in her suitcase. When she reached the drawer with her undergarments, however, April couldn't help but smirk a little as she carefully selected the pieces she wanted to take with her. After April was done with packing all of her clothes, she quickly gathered her toiletries and put them in her suitcase as well. She then finally closed the suitcase, a sigh of satisfaction escaping her lips. The heavy feeling that she was having a few moments ago had suddenly disappeared. Instead, April felt excitement. She was _moving in_ with Jackson. She was going to wake up _every _morning next to him. She would get to wear his shirts as pyjamas every single night. She was going to fall asleep in his strong arms every night. April giggled softly at the thought before she heard a soft knock on her front door. She quickly sprinted down the stairs to open the door to the one and only person she wanted to see right now. She threw her arms around him before he could even properly greet her. Almost as a reflex, Jackson felt his arms securing them firmly around her tiny frame in return.

"Hey, is everything okay?" he whispered in her ear as he felt her arms tighten around his neck. He felt her smile against his cheek.

"Yes, everything is _very_ okay," April answered, almost out of breath as she started to laugh softly. Jackson couldn't help but chuckle a little because of her sudden excitement. April let go a little so that she could see his face. Her smile soon disappeared as she saw the growing bruise underneath Jackson's eye. Jackson noticed the change in her demeanour, moving one of his hands to softly graze her cheek.

"Really April, I'm fine. Remember what you promised me," he said softly. April nodded weakly in response.

"I still do not like to see you hurt," she mumbled after she had pressed a soft kiss beneath his bruised eye. Jackson gave her a small smile in return before he moved passed her to gather her suitcase. As he lifted the heavy thing up, he looked up at April for reassurance.

"Are you really ready to do this?" he asked, concern clearly readable from his face.

"I definitely am, Jackson," April answered strongly. The honesty in her eyes was convincing enough for Jackson. He walked towards his SUV on April's front porch and placed the suitcase in his trunk.

April stepped out of the warmth of her house, standing in front of her front door herself as she played with the keys in her hands. _This is it_, she thought as she pulled the door close and locked it. She felt satisfaction as well as excitement run through her body. This would be the last time she would see this front door in a long time. She inhaled a deep breath that filled her lungs with fresh air before she walked over to Jackson's big SUV, seeing him waiting behind the wheel, his hand patting the passenger seat, a huge smile on his face. April loved to see that smile. Jackson rarely showed one like that. She joined him in the warmth of his car, their favourite song immediately filling her ears.

"Let's go," Jackson suggested as he squeezed April's hand before moving it to shift the gears.

"Yeah, let's go."

**Please leave a review if you feel like it! **


	7. Chapter 7

**_Hi guys! So I was kind of disappointed by Catherine's response to Japril in the show. This is how I imagined it to be. It is a long chapter, and it's basically the conversation between Jackson and his mom in which he tells her about the wedding and stuff, the conversation we didn't get to see on the show. So, here you go!_**

**_Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's. _****_Surprise_****_. _**

**_Also: I apologize in advance for any _****_grammar_****_ mistakes or typo's, I'm not a native!_**

_"_I ruined her wedding, mom."

_"__You did what?" _

Jackson pulled his phone away from his ear as the sound of his mother's shrieking voice painfully shot through his ear. He wasn't surprised by the very evident angry tone in her voice. On the contrary, he completely expected a reaction like that from her. The question was not whether or not she would get angry at him. The question was how long it would take for her to calm down and really listen to him. Hopefully then she would understand him, but Jackson knew that that was a very unlikely thing to hope for.

"Mom…" Jackson breathed, a weak attempt to calm his mother down.

"_I did not raise you like this, Jackson Avery! I did not raise you to become a wedding wrecker! I did not raise you to-"_

_"_Mom, I did not plan to ruin April's wedding. I did not plan to-"

"_Why the hell did do it then? What did you do?" _

_"_I… I told her I loved her-"

"_You love her?" _Catherine Avery interjected once again, not allowing her son to finish one single sentence properly. There was a tone of surprise in her voice, the good kind of surprise though. Jackson thought he even sensed a hint of happiness in her voice, but he wasn't sure. He knew his mom has always deeply appreciated April in a special way, in a different way. The anger seemed to have disappeared from her voice completely, however, Jackson knew he had a lot of explaining to do.

"Yes, yes I love her. I always have," he confirmed as convincingly as he possibly could. He was waiting for his mom to interject him once again, but she remained silent. No angry words escaped her mouth, no words at all even: Jackson had left his mother speechless - which was a first for Catherine as far as Jackson knew.

"Mom?" Jackson asked carefully after a few moments to make sure his mom was still there. He wasn't sure whether or not this silence meant something good or something terribly bad. Either way, he preferred his mom screaming at him. This radio silence only made him more nervous.

"_How?"_ she asked weakly. How? Jackson wasn't sure what his mom meant by that. How could he have been such an idiot to only wait until the very last possible moment to tell her? Or how could he have been able to just deny his love for April for so long?

"What do you-"

"_I knew it! How couldn't I have seen it. How could I've been so blind all this time? Of course you love her. You've loved her all this time," _she clarified, more towards herself than towards her only son. Jackson was kind of surprised by this. Did his mother already suspect his feelings for April before he himself did? If Jackson was able to hide his feelings for his best friend convincingly enough that even he himself believed it, how had his mother been able to see through it?

"_I've noticed it a few times before, the way you looked at her. And the way you protested my meddling when it came to her," _she continued, her tone somewhat playful now. Now that Jackson thought of it, he indeed hated his mom's constant meddling. Back then, Jackson thought that he hated his mom for it because it was embarrassing and completely out of line, but if Jackson had been really honest with himself then, he would've recognised that these negative feelings derived from plain jealousy and possessiveness and nothing else. If any of his mom's attempts to meddle had really worked out, Jackson would've hated to see April with someone else. He remembered the feeling of seeing April kissing Matthew for the first time. Jackson couldn't help but frown whenever the sight resurfaced in his memory.

"_Since when?" _His mom asked softly. Jackson inhaled a deep breath. He knew that he had to explain the whole story from the beginning until the end. But where was the beginning? Since when did he really started to have feelings for April? Was it after San Francisco, after he had really passed the friend zone? Or was it even before that, before their first night together when they were still 'just friends'? He has had feelings for April even during Lexie, Jackson thought. He remembered the unrepresented anger he had felt when he listened to April cry about Karev's unsuccessful attempt to sleep with her. He had never felt as disgusted and angry before. Who did Karev think he was? Jackson felt his heartbeat rising once again at the thought. It seemed as if the memory would never really lose its infuriating effect. Jackson decided that there was no clear starting point as to when his feelings for her began. However, there was a very clear starting point as to when their more-than-just-friends kind of relationship commenced.

"The boards, San Francisco" Jackson answered simply, hoping he wouldn't have to go into further detail with his mom about that night. Jackson smiled a little at the memory of their first night together. It had been so different from all the other times Jackson had made love to a woman. It had felt so natural, as if it was predestined to happen. And even though it was her first time, it wasn't awkward at all. If he hadn't known any better, he wouldn't have believed it was her first time. She was so extremely confident that night, it had really blown Jackson away. He still remembered every single detail: the smell of her hair, the taste of her lips and the way her almost porcelain skin reflected the little amount of moonlight that the window of their hotel room allowed to escape.

"_But that was ages ago!" _Catherine exclaimed disbelievingly, "_Why didn't you tell me?" _she then asked, hurt evident in her voice. Jackson was never really a person who felt the necessity to share all the details of his life with his mother, however, about these kind of events he normally did enlighten his mom. April wasn't just some random fling, she was his best friend. In a certain sense, April had been like a daughter to Catherine, a daughter she never had. At the time, Jackson had been very aware of the fact that he left out this huge detail of his life to his mom, just because he wasn't really sure himself how to label the thing between him and April. Were they friends with benefits? Were they dating? Were they even still friends? At that time, Jackson was very confused himself so the easier choice was to not tell his mom. Also, he knew his mom would've killed him if he had told her since she also knew April was supposed to save herself.

"Because… Because it was complicated. We… April and I, we were complicated," Jackson tried to explain, albeit knowing this somewhat weak answer wouldn't satisfy is mother.

"_Complicated? Son, you need to elaborate further. I am still really confused," _his mother then said.

"We weren't really sure what we were, what we felt for each other," Jackson tried to clarify.

"_Jackson Avery! You slept with her during the boards, didn't you!" _Catherine stated accusingly. Jackson sighed in frustration. How did his mom always read through his words?

"I-"

"_Don't even think of denying it, son. You slept with her even though you knew about her principles and then you left the poor girl confused about your friendship," _Catherine continued, the accusing tone of her voice increasing. Jackson was frustrated by his mother's words. April had left him confused as well, with her constantly making him feel guilty, making him feel like he took advantage of her.

"No, no it wasn't like that. She felt guilty about it one moment, and the next she-"

"_So you did sleep with her?" _

"Yes! Yes, I slept with her!" Jackson answered, frustration thickening his voice. His mom always tricked him into confessing stuff he didn't want to confess, "But I didn't take advantage of her! It wasn't like that. She wanted to. And then she felt guilty about it because of her vow to Jesus. And then I felt guilty." Jackson explained, his voice loud. He still remembered the morning after, when he saw the guilt written all over her face as she was waiting to start the boards that she would unsuccessfully finish.

"_As you should've!" _

_"_And then the plane crash happened, and I was going to Tulane, she had failed her boards… Mark was dying. He told me something not too long before he died that made me want to tell her I had feelings for her. But then she was gone. We were supposed to meet up at Joe's before she left for Moline, she promised me she would come but she never showed up… I didn't call her or anything in the time she was in Moline, I didn't know what to tell her. And then all of the sudden she was back again. She was back in Seattle again and I-"

"_Coward! You should have called her! No - you should've gone there and tell her in person-"_

_"_Mom, it wasn't that easy. I was still confused about my feelings for her and… I mean, would it have made a difference? How were we supposed to work? She was in Moline, I was in Seattle…" his voice faltered. The distance wasn't really an excuse. He was too much of a coward and that's why he didn't call her or text her or something like that in the time she was in Moline. He heard his mother sigh on the other end of the line.

"_And then?" _

_"__Well, when she came back, she was 'reverginizing', and well, things were weird between us. But then… err…" _

_"__You couldn't keep it in your pants?" _Catherine finished her son's sentence, annoyance and disappointment dripping from her voice.

"Something like that," Jackson admitted shamefully. He remembered genuinely trying to distance himself from her, to keep himself from having his way with her. But he failed miserably, not even 24 hours after seeing her for the first time in a long time, he couldn't help but get sucked into this inevitable chemistry between them. Really, he was just too weak to resist her. She had this power over him that made him lose all the control he had over himself. "Then… well then…," Jackson's voice slowly faltered. He tried to continue to the next part of their story: the pregnancy scare, his proposal… It is his least favourite part of the story as it is the part in which April had hurt him in a way no one else ever had. Jackson didn't think he had ever felt as heartbroken as he felt when he heard the relief in April's voice when they learned she wasn't pregnant. _Thank god, now we don't have to get married! _This sentence still felt like a knife cutting straight through Jackson's heart. At that very moment, he didn't expect to ever feel that hurt because of his feelings for someone. He didn't think he was the kind of guy to get his heart broken like that. Frankly, he didn't think he was the type of guy to be truly committed to someone, to be completely and willingly monogamous. He imagined there would be one point in his life in which he consciously _chose_ to settle, to start looking for 'the one' - a term in which he refused to even believe in at that time. But his love for April, this unique love that he would only experience once in his life, the love of his life, happened all of the sudden. He didn't choose to start settling for one woman, it just happened.

_"__Honey?"_ Catherine asked hesitantly, reminding Jackson that he was actually in a conversation.

"Yeah, well then… April was over time. We thought she was pregnant, so we did a test. She thought that I wouldn't be ready… That I wouldn't want to be involved. But I'm not that guy. I am not an asshole that just walks away from his responsibilities. And to make her absolutely sure I was not planning on leaving her, I… I proposed. I told her we would be able to do it. I told her we would buy a house together for our kid to live in, I promised her the perfect wedding…" Jackson explained, a certain bittersweetness in every single word that described their almost-wedding.

_"__Wow…" _Catherine breathed, completely blown away by this sudden, very big twist in the story.

"It wasn't an impulse decision, it wasn't something I did just because it was something I was supposed to do. I did it because it felt right. It felt like something… natural. Like it was meant to be or something like that," Jackson quickly clarified. He needed his mom to know that his proposal at the time wasn't something conditional, depending on the results of April's pregnancy test at the moment or something rash. He needed his mom to know that in order for her to understand his following decision, one that Jackson had regretted ever since.

_"__Well? What happened then?"_ Catherine asked impatiently, curious to know how this story would continue, how this wedding never actually took place.

"That same day we got the results of her pregnancy test. We learned together that April wasn't pregnant. I don't know how, but one way or the other I was kind of disappointed by that. But then… She was so relieved, mom, so extremely relieved that our previously decided plans for the future weren't in the picture anymore. She thanked God that our wedding wouldn't be realized anymore… I don't know why, but her words just hit me right in the heart, I didn't see that coming. I wasn't used to feeling like that, and honestly, I wasn't keen on the idea of feeling like that ever again."

_"__So you broke it off?"_ Catherine asked, sympathy as well as disappointment lacing her voice.

"Yeah.. Yeah I did and it is the stupidest thing I've ever done…." Jackson thought about his words, but quickly changed his mind, "No. Not the stupidest thing," he corrected, obviously raising curiosity with his mother.

_"__Care to explain?" _Catherine asked, somewhat scared for what was next to come. Jackson breathed in deeply before he continued:

"Well, then we just kind of… stopped and avoided each other. Things were kind of weird because we were trying to be friends but obviously these unresolved feelings kept creating this weird tension between us. Then Stephanie happened-"

_"__Your rebound," _Catherine interjected sharply and disapprovingly. Jackson never really understood his mother's dissent with his former girlfriend, but it didn't bother him that much anymore. He didn't turn out to treat the girl any better than his mom did. So he just decided to ignore his mother's statement.

"And for April, Matthew happened. I never took it quite seriously, I didn't think they would last long, or at least I hoped so. But then, all of the sudden, the guy had organised a whole flashmob, got on his knees, revealing a ring and then…"

_"__Shit got serious,"_ Catherine finished.

"Yeah… Shit got far too serious." Jackson remembered April's gaze falling on his face briefly as she was hugging her freshly announced fiancé, almost looking at him for permission. All he could do was smile at that moment and nod, not fully realizing what his "blessing" at that moment would imply for the future.

"And then, our friendship got kind of easier. I started to deny my feelings for her, therefore accepting the fact that April and I would never really happen. Things between me and Steph got better as well. But there were still these moments in which I just didn't know how to deal with this friendship between April and I." Jackson still remembered how every smile she flashed him made his stomach hurt a little and how every time she touched him made him experience some kind of merciless regret. But what made him feel even worse: every time Matthew made her smile or when his hands were touching her lower back, it literally made Jackson feel sick.

"Then there was the night of the storm-"

_"__When you threw yourself in front of an exploding bus,"_ Catherine added, obviously still not amused with this somewhat irresponsible but heroic action by her son despite Jackson's various attempts to explain to her that what he did wasn't that irresponsible since it is his responsibility to save other people's lives after all. However, Catherine remained very (and a bit disproportionately if you asked Jackson) worried for her only child. Jackson simply rolled his eyes at his mom's previous words.

"Well, yes, that night, April told me she… she told me she wanted me and that she was willing to stop her engagement if I wanted her too," Jackson explained, receiving a gasp from his mother in return.

_"__She told you she wanted you… instead of Matthew?" _Catherine asked.

"Yes, yes she did," Jackson clarified, dreading to tell his mom the next part of their story, "And, well.. I blew her off."

_"__Jackson Avery!"_ his mother then exclaimed, clearly not amused with the way he had reacted to April's confession, "I don't understand!"

"It's… I just didn't think she really felt that way for me. I thought it was just a spontaneous, rash thing she said simply because she was shocked about what had happened with that whole bus explosion. I mean, after the way she had blown me off, that time that we had the pregnancy scare… I just knew and kind of feared that I had feelings for her that went way beyond just friendship. So… I don't know. I got mad at her for confusing me again. I was just starting to settle with the knowledge that April and I would never ever be together. I was just starting to be able to look April in the eye without feeling like shit. She.. She was just starting to be so happy again, and then… then she just had to mess it all up!" Jackson said, his voice loud and still full of frustration. Partially with April but mostly with himself. How could he have said to her what he had said? How could he have hurt her like that? How could he have referred to their relationship as nothing more than 'a bang in a bathroom', as if it was just that?

_"__Oh baby,"_ Catherine said after a short silence. She felt sorry for her son and she could definitely sense that he was still very much struggling with this very complicated history between him and his red headed best friend, _"You should stop beating yourself up over this. You have both made mistakes, because your are both so damn stubborn!"_ Catherine continued. Jackson just hummed in response, not fully agreeing with his mom. He should be beating himself up, and he didn't think he would ever stop with that. He and April have lost so much time, and he couldn't help thinking it was his fault.

_"__Well, what happened after that?" _Catherine asked curiously.

"We kind of became friends again… or sort of. Things remained weird. The wedding was coming up, and I really didn't want to go. But she really wanted me to, saying that she needed 'my blessing' or something like that," Jackson said, remembering his talk that he had with April not too long ago about this 'blessing'.

"_Alright…" _Catherine then said, still processing the word 'blessing' and what April could've meant by that.

"And then, then there was the wedding. I really didn't think I would just ruin it, it was never my intention," Jackson quickly explained before he continued, "But… I saw her walk down the isle, and it just felt… wrong. Like she didn't belong there. Everything in me wanted to stop her, grab her and pull her out of that barn as far as possible. I didn't know why I was feeling like that, I thought it was just some kind of natural protectiveness every guy has for his female best friend right before she is about to get married to some guy you don't really know. So I let it slide. I mean, I saw the smile on her face as soon as she saw Matthews lovestruck face and… I told myself that she belonged with him. But then… the feeling didn't go away. It only got worse. Then the minister asked for our promise to support their wedding… I just couldn't. I couldn't say it," Jackson explained, his voice strong.

"_I understand. So then…?"_

_"_Well, then… It hit me. Why I felt like… like I couldn't breathe, like I was going to throw up any second, like I would never be truly happy if I let her go. I loved her. I always had. So I stood up… twice actually," Jackson continued.

"_Twice?" _his mother asked, clearly confused.

"Yeah, the first time… Once I stood, I saw all the faces of her family… I remembered what I was about to do… what I was about to do to her and her family and what I was about to ruin. So I sat down again, but that felt even worse. So I stood up again," Jackson explained.

"_What did you say?" _Catherine asked.

"I said… I said I love her and I always had. I said I loved everything about her, even the things I don't like," Jackson heard his mom chuckle on the other side of the phone at that, "I told her I wanted her with me. And then I told her once more I loved her and that I thought she loved me too. And then I asked her if she did… if she did love me." Jackson still remembered his nerves eating him alive at that moment, his sight refusing to leave April's eyes. He remembered having a hard time reading the expression on her face, other than shock obviously.

"After a long while she told me to go away… so I left."

"_What? Wait… What happened since?" _Catherine asked, disappointment and some kind of sadness dripping from her voice.

"I felt… terrible. I felt terrible about what had happened. I felt like an idiot. I felt like I made a huge mistake and that I had lost her once and for all now, all because I couldn't keep my mouth shut. So I just sat at home, and I drank…" Jackson's voice faltered as he remembered the horrible feeling that was cursing through his body that night. Catherine remained silent, waiting for her son to continue.

"I didn't know what to do, how to deal with work when I would come back, how to deal with seeing the disgusted look on her face anytime she would look at me. I was even thinking of just… leaving to somewhere, anywhere. But… that night, her wedding night, she showed up at my front door," Jackson then explained, and he could almost hear his mother smile on the other side of the line, " And well, ever since we are together," Jackson then happily concluded.

"_What? Wow! So… she chose you! She never got married to that…"_

_"_Matthew," Jackson filled in, "And no, she never got married to him. She left him at the alter, something she still feels terrible about though. And I feel like an ass for what I did to Stephanie."

"_I understand, as you should be. You should have never gotten involved with that girl. She obviously developed feelings for you whereas you knew you would never be able to return them," _Catherine pointed out.

"I know, I know, mom. I feel terrible enough already, no need for you to rub it in my face," Jackson grumbled.

"_Alright… I just… I can't believe this all happened! How has work been? Have you seen Matthew?" _

"Yeah… Well, April and I decided to keep our relationship a secret at work, just for a little while. We thought it would be better for Matthew and Steph, and mostly because we weren't ready for the big confrontation yet. But, well, we couldn't really keep up with pretending like we were avoiding each other, so it came out eventually. And well about Matthew… The first time I saw him, he decorated my face with a nice shiner," Jackson answered, "the guy was furious. He yelled some pretty nasty things to April he shouldn't have."

"_I guess you had that one coming, baby, you kind of stole the guy's bride. I hope April doesn't feel too bad about what had happened though."_

"Well, she did, but now… we're doing really good. She actually moved in with me a couple of days ago," Jackson said, kind of proud that she was his now and that they were living under the same roof.

"_I am coming to visit soon. And don't worry, I won't be the terrible mother in law if that's what you're worried about," _Catherine announced before her son could protest.

"Fine," Jackson gave in.

"_I am happy for you, Jackson. You were very brave for what you did," _his mother said, her words full of honesty and even pride. Weirdly enough, Jackson really needed to hear that. All he has been getting is crap for what he did. He expected his mom to give him crap too, but luckily she didn't.

"Thanks mom, I appreciate it. I guess I'll see you soon then."

"_You will. Don't forget to give April a hug from me," _Catherine quickly said before she hung up the phone. Jackson felt a small smile playing on his lips as he felt relief run through his body. She was on their side. His mother was on their side. And if Jackson was honest with himself, he could really use someone on his and April's side right now. He really needed someone to remind him that what he did wasn't an act of cowardice, but rather one of bravery. He was pulled out of his thoughts when he heard the familiar sound of April's silent humming as she entered their apartment. He couldn't wait to tell her about his call with his mom.

**Oh, don't forget to review if you have time! It really makes my day and motivates me to write :)**


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